Empty Arms, Broken Heart

Can't sleep. I have so much going on in my mind. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. While I am grateful that we have a month and specifically the day of Oct. 15 to bring awareness to the painful journey of so many, it is a year 'round heartache for those who so desperately seek to have children. What seems to be taken for granted by so many, myself at times included, is a deep burning desire and longing for so many. I have been so fortunate in my life. I have 4 beautiful children. I have never had a miscarriage, still born baby, or lost a child. I have never had infertility issues. How can I possibly understand. I can't. I simply can't. Over the last few years I have witnessed someone I love very much experience the loss of several children. I love her like a sister and it is a burning ache in my heart to watch her as she has gone through the excitement of pregnancy, the cramps and uncertainty and the loss and the grief of yet another miscarriage. I want to scream for her, to cry for her, to just for a moment, take her pain and let her feel peace. Just for a moment. She enters a hospital where most go to deliver a child, only to leave with empty arms....again. I can't even begin to comprehend that kind of unrelenting pain. Each one a life, each one a child, each one with a name. I think what so many don't understand is that although she never met them in the physical sense, she met them the moment they were conceived inside her. They are and will forever be her children. She has experienced the death of her children. And don't misunderstand. A miscarriage is the death of a child. Anyone who has had life woven inside their bodies can understand that. So if we understand all of that why do we treat mothers differently if they lose a child at 5 or 8 or 17? It seems with all grief that sooner than we would like those around us move on with their lives and we eventually are left alone with God to grieve, but with miscarriage it seems that life doesn't stop at all. It is as if because maybe that child was never visible to us that there was no loss. Not true. Only God can give life and only HE can understand why HE has called those lives back home before they could take a breath on this earth. God knows I have questioned why he would allow so much pain and so many tears when there are so many others who throw the blessing of parenthood away. Why? I wish I knew the answer or at least wish I could fix it, but this side of Heaven that will never be. It seems fruitless to ask why, but so difficult not to. I know she goes through these questions all the time. Imagining and dreaming of what her children would look like and what they would grow up to be. To have dreams of holding them and kissing them only to wake up with a broken heart. Again..... Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, 1st day of school....while we are sharing pictures of our kids, she is sharing tears with Jesus because the ache in her heart never goes away.  I share all of this to remind us all that whether our children are on this earth or are already in the arms of Jesus, we are still mothers.  I know it isn't easy to always know what to do or say to someone who is struggling, but I promise doing something is better than doing nothing. A kind gesture, a genuine conversation. Something to let them know that their pain is not forgotten, their children are not forgotten, they are not forgotten.....

Angel of my Tears

How do you love a person

who never got to be, 

or try to envision a face 

you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one

who never got to live.

When there's nothing to feel good about

and nothing to forgive?

I love you, my little baby,

my companion of the night.

Wandering through my lonely hours,

beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before

you ever were born,

to live the lovely night of life

and never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby,

you lived like anyone!

Life's a burst of joy and pain.

And then like yours, it's done.

I love you, my little baby,

just as if you'd lived for years.

No more, no less, I think of you,

the Angel of my tears.

~Author Unknown.

Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one 
who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus, 
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live, 
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow, 
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me, 
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory, 
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me. 
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows, 
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms 
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

For such a Time as this

We live in a tumultuous time. We all know it. Many fear it. It is an uncertain time. Daily news has become an apocalyptic tale of evil that seems to reign supreme all around us. Death is everywhere. Violence is everywhere. Lewd and lascivious behavior is everywhere. We build bunkers and hoard canned food as if the end of all is right around the corner and maybe it is. I don't know. But I can't help but wonder, what if we are focused on the wrong things. If the end really is near, shouldn't we, as Christians, be more worried about lost souls than our pantry. Don't get me wrong, preparedness is great but we are talking about the eternal life of others.
This isn't the first time in the history of the world that we have faced great evil. All of life is, in some way, a battle between good and evil. As a nation we have historically fought for what is right and good. But as our definitions have become skewed, the battle has changed.  We have gotten complacent because for many years we didn't have to fight so hard. We were satisfied in our church pews while letting the world run amok outside around us. And that has seemed to work, right? Live and let live. Compromise. Just get along. Right? That will bring peace to the nations, right? Well I think we now see what result has come from that battle plan. Evil is now breaking down the doors of our churches. A confused nation spiraling out of control because of corrupt leadership and the lack of a national moral compass. The time for compromise is over. The attitude of live and let live is done. Our "rights and freedoms" are now infringing on the rights and freedoms of others. That in and of itself leads to chaos and that is exactly what we have.
Knowing all of that I have begun to pray that God will show me what He is calling me to during this season. I feel pulled in so many ways. It is so difficult sometimes to balance the front line fighting with love and compassion. It is easy to forget that our enemy is not any other human, our enemy is Satan. It is impossible for us to fight him in the flesh and it is IMPOSSIBLE to fight him without JESUS. I am reminded of Esther and the journey God called her to. She was an orphan. Nothing about her seemed royal yet God supernaturally after months of preparation, caused her to become queen. God used her to save a nation. There is no possible way she would have accomplished that without God. Now we may not be called to royalty or power but we are all called by God. Our calling is as unique as we are and yes, like Esther, God has called us to be aware of what is going on in our government and to speak up when we see injustice. I don't know what your calling is but as sure as I am breathing, we all have one.  I know for sure that none of us are called to complacency and compromise. Gods word is the same today as it always have been. It breaks my heart to see where we are as a nation, but it takes more than a broken heart to make a difference. We must stop believing that to be a good Christian we have to be quiet. We must stand. Not in our own power but in the power of Christ who calls us.