Can't sleep. I have so much going on in my mind. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. While I am grateful that we have a month and specifically the day of Oct. 15 to bring awareness to the painful journey of so many, it is a year 'round heartache for those who so desperately seek to have children. What seems to be taken for granted by so many, myself at times included, is a deep burning desire and longing for so many. I have been so fortunate in my life. I have 4 beautiful children. I have never had a miscarriage, still born baby, or lost a child. I have never had infertility issues. How can I possibly understand. I can't. I simply can't. Over the last few years I have witnessed someone I love very much experience the loss of several children. I love her like a sister and it is a burning ache in my heart to watch her as she has gone through the excitement of pregnancy, the cramps and uncertainty and the loss and the grief of yet another miscarriage. I want to scream for her, to cry for her, to just for a moment, take her pain and let her feel peace. Just for a moment. She enters a hospital where most go to deliver a child, only to leave with empty arms....again. I can't even begin to comprehend that kind of unrelenting pain. Each one a life, each one a child, each one with a name. I think what so many don't understand is that although she never met them in the physical sense, she met them the moment they were conceived inside her. They are and will forever be her children. She has experienced the death of her children. And don't misunderstand. A miscarriage is the death of a child. Anyone who has had life woven inside their bodies can understand that. So if we understand all of that why do we treat mothers differently if they lose a child at 5 or 8 or 17? It seems with all grief that sooner than we would like those around us move on with their lives and we eventually are left alone with God to grieve, but with miscarriage it seems that life doesn't stop at all. It is as if because maybe that child was never visible to us that there was no loss. Not true. Only God can give life and only HE can understand why HE has called those lives back home before they could take a breath on this earth. God knows I have questioned why he would allow so much pain and so many tears when there are so many others who throw the blessing of parenthood away. Why? I wish I knew the answer or at least wish I could fix it, but this side of Heaven that will never be. It seems fruitless to ask why, but so difficult not to. I know she goes through these questions all the time. Imagining and dreaming of what her children would look like and what they would grow up to be. To have dreams of holding them and kissing them only to wake up with a broken heart. Again..... Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, 1st day of school....while we are sharing pictures of our kids, she is sharing tears with Jesus because the ache in her heart never goes away. I share all of this to remind us all that whether our children are on this earth or are already in the arms of Jesus, we are still mothers. I know it isn't easy to always know what to do or say to someone who is struggling, but I promise doing something is better than doing nothing. A kind gesture, a genuine conversation. Something to let them know that their pain is not forgotten, their children are not forgotten, they are not forgotten.....
Angel of my Tears
How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.
Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one
who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown
